The Dreaded Newlywed Question: When Are You Having Kids?

I have been married for several years and I don’t want kids right now.

Apparently, this is not the right attitude to have as a somewhat newlywed. After a few months of married bliss, before even finishing up the thank you cards for the lovely wedding gifts, the question comes up.

When are you having kids?

I am of the opinion that this is one of the most personal and rudest questions you can possibly ask someone. Let’s discuss this with bulleted points to keep this rant at least somewhat organized, shall we?

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION:

  • It’s none of your business. If we aren’t close enough for you to flat out say, “So when are you gonna stop taking birth control?” then you are absolutely not authorized to ask me when I’m having kids. Because by asking me when we’re having kids, you are essentially asking me when I’m going to stop taking the pill. And, let’s be honest, even if you are that close to me, it’s still not anyone’s business outside of my husband and me.
  • You don’t know the situation. For all you know, my husband and I have spent more than half of our marriage trying to have kids, and things aren’t going so well. You want to know when we’re going to have kids? Well we’re working on that. Why don’t you push that knife into my heart a little harder, because it’s not like I haven’t been thinking and worrying and praying about it every single day.

POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION:

  • I’ve got a dog. This is how I always answer the aforementioned question, because I figure it is nice of me to make a joke and also it masks the fact that I’m really yelling in my head at that person the above reasons on why they shouldn’t be asking that question. Usually, people then respond with, “Oh, a dog isn’t the same!” Which is fine (albeit annoying—I’m trying to keep myself from yelling at you) coming from a parent—I know that you can’t just stick a baby in the yard when it needs to go potty—but it really aggravates me when someone who DOESN’T HAVE KIDS gives me that answer. YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE IN THAT AREA SO YOU WOULDN’T ACTUALLY KNOW!
  • We’re planning on waiting a while. This is usually what I have to move on to since the dog answer is never satisfying enough. I’m vague on purpose because {see first bullet point under WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}. Even when we are actively trying to have kids, I will still probably use this answer because {see first bullet point under WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}.
  • We’re planning to adopt. We have absolutely considered adoption, but not very seriously because {see second bullet point under POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}. We will further look into adoption when we’re ready to have kids. Unfortunately, this answer would also not go over well, because then I would still have only answered the “how” question and not the “when” question.
  • That’s something that Preston and I only discuss inside our marriage. I haven’t tried this one yet, but I like it. It’s basically the nice way to say NONE YA BUSINESS!
  • We’re not having kids. Preston won’t let me use this one because he thinks it’s mean and would hurt everyone’s feelings because they want us to have kids more than I want to have kids. Of course, then I’d have to argue the “why we aren’t having kids” side of things, but it might be a nice break from the “But WHY are you waiting a while?” question that usually follows up {see second bullet point under POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}.

MY PROMISES TO MYSELF:

  • I will have kids for me. Not so my parents or in-laws can have grand kids. Not so my best friend can have someone to babysit. Not so the nosy lady on the second row of church can pinch my baby’s cheeks. Not because we’ve “been married long enough” now. Not because I’m “getting too old.”
  • I will have kids in God’s timing. Yes, I may do some things to prevent having children at this time, but I know that if it’s God’s will for my life, all the preventatives in the world can’t stop it. I mean, hello, His son was born of a virgin. So if God so chooses to not go by my plan (which includes a daily preventative pill), so be it. But if He’s cool with waiting until I decide to stop said preventative measures, then that’s how things will go. If they go my way, things might take a while. If God has another plan, I will trust that He knows what’s best for me, because he always does.
  • I will not be pressured into having a baby when I’m not ready. I’ll be honest, I’m writing this out for me, because I’m so afraid it could happen. There is pressure from everyone to have babies NOW. The grandparents have already bought baby clothes and frequently (jokingly) make “deals” that involve them getting a grandchild sooner. Preston wants kids (he loves babies) and reminds me somewhat frequently, but thankfully understands that I have things I want to accomplish in life before I have to drag tiny humans around everywhere. Everyone (except for me) wants me to have a kid before they get too old to play with said child. I feel like this is very selfish of them. (Except for Preston–I understand that he doesn’t want to be an “old dad.”)

OTHER [VAGUE APOLOGIES FOR RANTING]:

  • I am not anti-having kids. Sorry if it seems that way. I’m just anti-having kids now unless {see second bullet point under MY PROMISES TO MYSELF}.
  • There is nothing wrong with having kids early in marriageIt’s just not for me.
  • I don’t rant in real life. I am actually nice. Or at least I pretend to be nice. I mostly only rant to Preston, who  just rolls his eyes because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal that people want to be all up in our baby business.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: