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The Dreaded Newlywed Question: When Are You Having Kids?

I have been married for several years and I don’t want kids right now.

Apparently, this is not the right attitude to have as a somewhat newlywed. After a few months of married bliss, before even finishing up the thank you cards for the lovely wedding gifts, the question comes up.

When are you having kids?

I am of the opinion that this is one of the most personal and rudest questions you can possibly ask someone. Let’s discuss this with bulleted points to keep this rant at least somewhat organized, shall we?

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION:

  • It’s none of your business. If we aren’t close enough for you to flat out say, “So when are you gonna stop taking birth control?” then you are absolutely not authorized to ask me when I’m having kids. Because by asking me when we’re having kids, you are essentially asking me when I’m going to stop taking the pill. And, let’s be honest, even if you are that close to me, it’s still not anyone’s business outside of my husband and me.
  • You don’t know the situation. For all you know, my husband and I have spent more than half of our marriage trying to have kids, and things aren’t going so well. You want to know when we’re going to have kids? Well we’re working on that. Why don’t you push that knife into my heart a little harder, because it’s not like I haven’t been thinking and worrying and praying about it every single day.

POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION:

  • I’ve got a dog. This is how I always answer the aforementioned question, because I figure it is nice of me to make a joke and also it masks the fact that I’m really yelling in my head at that person the above reasons on why they shouldn’t be asking that question. Usually, people then respond with, “Oh, a dog isn’t the same!” Which is fine (albeit annoying—I’m trying to keep myself from yelling at you) coming from a parent—I know that you can’t just stick a baby in the yard when it needs to go potty—but it really aggravates me when someone who DOESN’T HAVE KIDS gives me that answer. YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE IN THAT AREA SO YOU WOULDN’T ACTUALLY KNOW!
  • We’re planning on waiting a while. This is usually what I have to move on to since the dog answer is never satisfying enough. I’m vague on purpose because {see first bullet point under WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}. Even when we are actively trying to have kids, I will still probably use this answer because {see first bullet point under WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ASK THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}.
  • We’re planning to adopt. We have absolutely considered adoption, but not very seriously because {see second bullet point under POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}. We will further look into adoption when we’re ready to have kids. Unfortunately, this answer would also not go over well, because then I would still have only answered the “how” question and not the “when” question.
  • That’s something that Preston and I only discuss inside our marriage. I haven’t tried this one yet, but I like it. It’s basically the nice way to say NONE YA BUSINESS!
  • We’re not having kids. Preston won’t let me use this one because he thinks it’s mean and would hurt everyone’s feelings because they want us to have kids more than I want to have kids. Of course, then I’d have to argue the “why we aren’t having kids” side of things, but it might be a nice break from the “But WHY are you waiting a while?” question that usually follows up {see second bullet point under POSSIBLE ANSWERS FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED QUESTION}.

MY PROMISES TO MYSELF:

  • I will have kids for me. Not so my parents or in-laws can have grand kids. Not so my best friend can have someone to babysit. Not so the nosy lady on the second row of church can pinch my baby’s cheeks. Not because we’ve “been married long enough” now. Not because I’m “getting too old.”
  • I will have kids in God’s timing. Yes, I may do some things to prevent having children at this time, but I know that if it’s God’s will for my life, all the preventatives in the world can’t stop it. I mean, hello, His son was born of a virgin. So if God so chooses to not go by my plan (which includes a daily preventative pill), so be it. But if He’s cool with waiting until I decide to stop said preventative measures, then that’s how things will go. If they go my way, things might take a while. If God has another plan, I will trust that He knows what’s best for me, because he always does.
  • I will not be pressured into having a baby when I’m not ready. I’ll be honest, I’m writing this out for me, because I’m so afraid it could happen. There is pressure from everyone to have babies NOW. The grandparents have already bought baby clothes and frequently (jokingly) make “deals” that involve them getting a grandchild sooner. Preston wants kids (he loves babies) and reminds me somewhat frequently, but thankfully understands that I have things I want to accomplish in life before I have to drag tiny humans around everywhere. Everyone (except for me) wants me to have a kid before they get too old to play with said child. I feel like this is very selfish of them. (Except for Preston–I understand that he doesn’t want to be an “old dad.”)

OTHER [VAGUE APOLOGIES FOR RANTING]:

  • I am not anti-having kids. Sorry if it seems that way. I’m just anti-having kids now unless {see second bullet point under MY PROMISES TO MYSELF}.
  • There is nothing wrong with having kids early in marriageIt’s just not for me.
  • I don’t rant in real life. I am actually nice. Or at least I pretend to be nice. I mostly only rant to Preston, who  just rolls his eyes because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal that people want to be all up in our baby business.
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Life in Questions

People don’t realize that these questions aren’t actually any of their business, and, for some reason, it has become socially acceptable to ask them. These are the questions you’ll hear according to what stage in life you’re at.

High school: What college are you going to?

College: What is your degree in? Oh, and what are you going to do with it?

Dating: When are y’all getting married?

Newlyweds: When are y’all having babies?

New Parents: When are y’all having another baby?

Perhaps there are more, but I am currently still at the newlywed stage, so I don’t really have much experience past that particular part of life. However, I am able to include the new parents question because I have several friends who are going through that experience at the moment.

I would assume that people begin asking you about your parental choices, and as your child gets into high school, everyone begins asking the parent as well as the child the aforementioned questions. I suppose it will be a while before I can test this theory, but that is perfectly fine by me. In the meantime, I’ll keep smiling through clenched teeth as I tell yet another ignorant person that, for now, my dog is my baby.

You Look So Much Better When You Smile

Why you should smile:

  • Let’s start with the obvious. You are reading this post. That means you’re not only awake, but ALIVE. I mean, you may not feel super alive. But that’s okay because there’s…
  • COFFEE! It’s a thing and it exists and it makes hard days less hard. AND there are places that will make you super tasty coffee with lots of sugary goodness, so you can have liquid crème brûlée and gingerbread and Snickers. These kinds of places are frequently found in…
  • Target! Oh beautiful, for spacious skies… Sorry. No skies, just beautiful-ness found inside. Like cute socks and gorgeous stationary and lots of shirts that are…
  • Disney! Because breaking out into song makes life much more interesting. So getcha head in the game and go the distance and enjoy it all in…
  • Summer! Yes, there’s a light at the end of that long tunnel called winter. Said light includes lounging by the pool, late sunsets, snow cones, and sandals.
  • And also because you look so much better when you smiiiiile. I sang that for you, by the way.

I’m Not Who I Was

I have a nickname that I’ve gone by for most of my life. It’s a variation of my name that everyone calls me, except for my parents and grandparents. Totally understandable, as the parents kind of gave me my actual name because they like it. But I never liked it growing up, so I gave myself a nickname, introduced myself as such, and was able to make it to stick. I’ve always liked my nickname. It made me feel cooler than I actually was am.

But today I was rereading my bio on a social media site for the millionth time (I frequently check everything to make sure it is absolutely current and to quadruple check grammar and spelling) and it hit me.

That’s not who I am. 

The nickname I’ve gone by for 10 years suddenly felt wrong. I don’t know why. My actual name doesn’t suddenly feel right

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been struggling a lot with the whole Who am I? What am I supposed to do with my life? Why do I hate all of my clothes? dilemma. And yes, clothes-hating totally belongs with those other big questions, since for years I’ve defined myself by what I wear. Maybe it’s just natural that my nickname suddenly doesn’t seem to fit either. 

In the meantime, I’ll just remember that I get to be Macey, and while that name might not fit the “real me,” it’s kind of fun putting on a new persona every once in a while.

We’re All Nerds Here

Everyone is a nerd.

You are a nerd. I am a nerd. No one escapes the nerd gene.

I know, there are lots of people out there you wouldn’t look at and think, “nerd,” but they are. I don’t define a nerd the same way dictionary.com does, which is:

a stupid, irritating, ineffectual, or unattractive person

an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit

I suppose my definition of nerd leans closer to the second definition. However, if you took out, “intelligent but single-minded” and “nonsocial,” then you’d be spot on.

a person obsessed with a hobby or pursuit

We all have something that is ours, whether it is a hobby or obsession we share with other people or not. Sports, reading, fashion, baking.  Sailor Moon, the Seahawks, Superman, U.S. history. Angry Birds, George Clooney, Apple, role playing.

Everyone has something they love and know a lot about. Obsession might be the appropriate word. It might not be for you. But nerd?

Nerd is totally your word. Own it.

100 Happy Days

100happydays

I recently heard of 100 Happy Days. The idea is to take a photo every day of something that makes you happy and upload it to Instagram with the hashtag.

I love the idea behind it—to take a moment each day to find happiness in the everyday mundane of life. Some days it’s easy, but on sad days, it’s hard to find the happy. But it’s there. Hiding in your afternoon tea or your lunchtime reading or your evening stroll. It can be found in your favorite song or your new high score. In a silly text message or your puppy or your spouse. In the promise of vacation and adventures and dreams to come. It’s all around you. You just have to take a few minutes to notice it.

So I’m doing it. Except not really. I actually created myself a private Instagram account to keep up with the things that make me happy. I can’t deign to share crappy (though happy) photos with my Instagram followers. And I don’t want to bother trying to take good-quality, share-worthy photos—I’m afraid that would be stressful, which is definitely not the point of this challenge.

I started a week ago. Though the challenge officially only lasts 100 days, I hope I stick with it for longer. It’s good for me to take a moment each day to think about something that makes me happy and document it. Especially on those long days where I can’t seem to catch a break. Yep, happiness is lurking on those days, too. And on those days I can scroll through my (private) feed and see how blessed I really am. And that makes me happy.

Things I Do When the Husband is Away

Preston was gone for two weeks. I played bachelorette. This is what goes down in our house when he’s gone:

  • Dinner is cheese and crackers.
  • The mail only gets checked once a week.
  • I go to the grocery store and buy five different kinds of cheese.
  • Movie marathons with the bestie last past midnight. (Midnight is late for this old granny.) Notice the “s” in marathons—that’s right, there were several.
  • I end up staying up past midnight on the other nights, too. Reading.
  • I can’t help but watch Frozen multiple times.
  • The dog sleeps on Preston’s pillow.
  • I come up with an idea for my first novel. So now I’m writing a book.

I also didn’t fold clothes for two weeks, but that’s not really different from the norm.